Tuesday, 14 February 2012

competition: two signed copy of 'Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops'

So, today is Valentine's day. It's also 50 days until the publication of 'Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops,' so here's a competition. There are two signed copies of 'Weird Things...' up for grabs, and anyone can enter. I want to hear the weirdest/worst chat up lines you've ever heard. You can Tweet them, with the link #weirdchatuplines. If you don't have Twitter, you can enter the competition by leaving a comment on this blog post, or on the facebook page.

One signed copy of the book will go to my favourite weird chat up line, and one will go to the best literary weird chat up line. For instance, some guy once came up to me at my desk at Ripping Yarns, holding a copy of Romeo and Juliet, and said: 'Baby, let's write our own romantic novel.' Ew. [Once I'd controlled the nausea, I pointed out that Romeo and Juliet is actually a play.]

So, go forth, lovely people. Shock me...humour me...make me worried about the human race. Your deadline is midnight [GMT].

NB: If you post your chat up lines here or on facebook, they still have to be Tweet-length [that's 140 characters or less including #weirdchatuplines]

Go, go, go!


  1. oh lord, where do I begin? I work demonstrating various foods and giving out free samples. Free food=weird and rude behavior in humans, sad to say. I hear crazy weird stuff every day, multiple times.
    "Raw almonds?! I didn't know almonds were cooked"

    But still I think the best one has to be my customer who wants to know if there's meat in a sample, and when I say, oh I'm so sorry, yes, there's chicken in this dish, he says: "That's okay, anything with two legs isn't meat."
    (umm, sir, does that mean that cannibals are vegetarians?"

  2. Catmum - I'm not sure that these are chat up lines!

  3. There are some really great #weirdchatuplines popping up on Twitter. Keep going, pals! https://twitter.com/#!/search/realtime/%23weirdchatuplines

  4. Even though it tends to bring out the weirdos, I still often like to take a book to a bar with me and enjoy a beer while reading. On one such occasion, I sat down with a copy of Roberto Bolano's The Savage Detectives. A man sat down next to me and asked, "What's your book about?" and silly me, I thought he was actually curious. So I tell him that it's about poets in Mexico and launch into a long and complex description of what is, after all, a long and complex book. Several minutes in, he interrupts me to tell me that the book sounds dumb because "there are no good Mexican poets." He then offered to buy me a beer. I left.

  5. while perhaps not a chat-up line, i once found myself in the precarious position of having nothing to say to this girl (i was at her house at the time, having a cup of tea). Nervous, as i usually am, i attempted to make conversation, i noticed that the Girl took her tea in a very similar fashion to someone i knew (very milky, not too hot. the tea, not the person). so, i piped "you remind me of my mum." as my mum also enjoys tea in a similar manner.
    it didn't go down well. attempted some sort of explanation, but she was still angry/terrified. so i downed my tea and made my excuses to leave.

    so, for bad chat-up lines, i present the tried-and-tested "You remind me of my Mum."

  6. as for literary chat up line, i'm gonna go for "I'm a Very hungry Caterpillar." (said in a seductive tone of voice). that's sure to get some sort of (perhaps unwanted) attention.

  7. "are you single? Would you like to go out with me" this one is only funny when you consider he had just asked me for information on homosexual culture in Australia, in the middle if the day where I work.

  8. Many years ago I worked in a toy store where we also sold materials for childrens' craft projects. My favourite, albeit, unintentional chat up line came from the woman who approached me at the counter and loudly asked "excuse me, where can I get felt?"

  9. Said out of the blue by a young man to my cousin, "Electolux blows Kirby right out of the water." Turns out he was vacuum cleaner salesman. Why did he think this was a good pick up line in a bar?

  10. My wife got my attention with the simple and rather touching "are you alive?"

  11. "Mind my dog and I will love you forever." Said by a total stranger outside the supermarket - yes, really!

  12. "I'm a poker-player, you want me!" Total stranger 20 yrs younger.

    "Are you sure you are 100% straight?" asked by the woman at the next table, who'd been staring our way while we ate, as soon as hubby went to the lavatory.

    "you look so gorgeously young to be in your 40s" ...I was in my 30s

  13. I work at a bookstore, and one time an attractive woman asked me where the sex guides were. Nothing weird there, but she was looking me directly in the eyes with a sly smile on her face enjoying the fact that it made me visibly uncomfortable.

  14. Thanks so much for all the #weirdchatuplines entries! The winners are:
    Jennifer Frye: "Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
    and for the literary one:
    James Stanton: "So, is Fluffy guarding YOUR 3rd floor corridor?"
    Awesome stuff, folks, thanks! x